I didn’t expect such a delay, but too little planning and too much debt finally caught up to me. Days turned into weeks and here we are, with Christmas only a few weeks away.
My kid is such a trooper though. She knows it’s been rough and she just rolls with the punches. She’s in the midst of finals, the worst time for her not to have access to internet, but she’s learned to adapt like she always has. It’s been a lot of late nights and weekends at the library. Grabbing every second of time she can to take advantage of their free WiFi. Never once complaining – just sighing a few times here and there and trying to find subtle ways of asking her already stressed out mother, “do you have an idea when the WiFi might be back on?” All the while, making it sound like it’s the cable company at fault and they somehow need to rectify the problem. In the same breath, she’ll tell me it’s better this way because it forces her to focus and get on a schedule.
How did I let it get to this? How did God? How did life? FUCK. We’re standing there and the cashier is taking too long to take our order. She’s joking with us, not knowing that I’m cringing inside and wishing I could disappear into myself all at the same time.
It’s crazy how time can stand still and in a matter of milliseconds, you can experience so many things. The cafe was full of people, but in that moment, it just felt quiet, as my shame silenced everything around me, my daughter noticing how uncomfortable I am, and the cashier smiling and talking.
Everything is going both slow and fast, and somehow my mind is taking mental snapshots to remind me of it later. Have you ever felt like you’ve stepped outside of yourself, watching your discomfort in slow motion?
It all sounds so tragic really, but it’s just your heart and spirit trying to make sense of it all. In that moment though there is no making sense, only feeling it, and you try and go through it as fast as possible, but we can’t possibly try to heal past the scars.
I felt so much pride and even shame at the same time. My daughter did a selfless thing on her way to grown-woman status. A beautiful young woman stood before me and it all happened because her mother failed her. Again, I thought… how did I let it get to this? How did God? FUCK.
I just mentioned being a warrior and healing, and in this modern world, we no longer have ceremonies allowing us to know that we’ve reached our evolution. That’s why we have to have our own temples for celebration. We can’t overcome something without a test, we can’t look back and remember without a scar, and we can’t overcome if we don’t start with love. As women, we have high expectations and little patience and understanding. We have it for our loved ones, but often lack it for ourselves. I’m human, I make mistakes, but that doesn’t make me any less of a warrior.
As we head back to our seats to indulge in our drinks, my daughter manages to make me laugh. She tells me about her day, from the kids that don’t get her, to the teachers that do. She is an old soul after all and she’s been the light to my darkness. At 5’2 and 102 pounds, she doesn’t look so menacing, but it’s her inner strength that shows how powerful she really is. As she talks and lightens my day, I look at how beautiful she truly is. With her long dark hair down to her waist to match those big dark eyes, she’s manage to see me past my failures. Loved me past my setbacks.
Later on that night, after apologizing for how hard things have been lately, she tells me, “It’s not fair, Mom. Why does everything always have to fall on you,” and ends it with, “but it’s okay though. I know you got this and everything is going to be okay. It always is.”
I’m just a single mom trying to live her purpose while being the best example I can be for my daughter. I was homeless and labeled a runaway at 15 and then a statistic at 19 after I had my daughter. What I learned is, it’s not important what others label you, but what you label yourself. Signing off as Jacqueline Diaz – dope single mom, writer, and evolving entrepreneur. Follow me on Twitter at @amigapreneur and on Facebook.